Is this seat taken? Actually, I’d better sit over here, so you can be on my good-ear side. I’ll hear you much better, especially when the band starts up. I should probably get a hearing aid, but I’m saving up for dental implants. I wasn’t going to bother, because the rotten tooth is way in the back—can you see it, way back there?—but then I thought about the teeth on either side of it collapsing into each other and my mouth caving in, and I decided to just go for it, you know?
Is that a tin and gonic? Gin and tonic? Ha! Sometimes the wrong sounds come out of my mouth now. The other day I said “fertilizer” but it came out “dishwasher.” Anyway, that looks delicious. I wish I could have one. But carbonated beverages have started to make me so gassy! And Brussels sprouts—forget about it!
How do you know the bride and groom? Really? I can’t believe they have an investment adviser at their age. They look twelve. My goodness, they must be loaded. Good for them. Maybe they’ll loan me some money! Just kidding. You never know, though, right? People our age are always coming down with horrible diseases. You could get colorectal cancer at any moment and need cash A.S.A.P. By the way, you wouldn’t happen to know how the whole reverse-mortgage thing works, would you?
Don’t look now, but I think that’s Seth Rogen, two tables over. Unless it’s Seth Rogoff. Or Scott Rudin. Or Seth Meyers. Or Seth Rudetsky. I don’t even know who that is.
Honestly, I don’t know any of the celebrities anymore. I don’t even care. I still can’t believe the Beatles broke up. It just makes me very, very sad.
I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I’ll stop in a minute. Or not. These crying jags are unpredictable. That’s menopause for you. Menopause is such a funny word. Because it’s not a pause at all, it’s more like forever. The crying, hot flashes, you name it—all the really old ladies I know tell me they never end. Menoeternity, more like it!
You know what? I like Yoko now! I never thought that would happen. I like that she’s an old lady and still making art. Isn’t it funny how life softens your edges? Or maybe life softens some of your edges but hardens you in other ways. Like, I can list the names of every person I don’t want at my funeral. There are people I’d just like to say a final fuck you to, you know?
Isn’t it strange? You start out life counting the people you don’t want at your birthday party and you end up counting the ones you don’t want at your funeral. Maybe we don’t learn anything in between. Maybe we just go through life gathering grudges, and then we die. Oh, God, isn’t that so sad?
I’m sorry, here I go again. What a crybaby!
O.K., I’m done.
Look, here comes the salad course. I hope it doesn’t have any raw onions in it. Acid-reflux alert! Acid-reflux alert! It’s good I brought a lot of Tums. I love Tums, don’t you? I don’t know why the person who invented them didn’t get a Nobel Prize, I really don’t.
No, that’s fine. Go check your messages. I’ll save your place. I feel we’re making a real connection here.